Autumn Update
hellooooo!!! it’s been a little bit since I’ve sat down and plugged in to write a lil something on here.🔌🫀 here goes nothing…
right now, I’m sitting on a bench in front of my sorority house. it’s a little chilly in LA this week (hallelujah), and I’ve plucked out my emotional safety headphones in order to listen to the leaves rustle and hear the occasional skateboarder whiz by. I can hear the pace of the wind pick up, and fall back down, and I can feel peace abiding within me. I’m not sure how often I can honestly describe myself as “peaceful” in college. Maybe there are moments when I am at peace, but it feels rare to authentically declare that I am filled with peace. It’s more often a fleeting feeling amidst a go-go-go lifestyle.
I had a really great talk with my mom today. The kind of phone call that makes long distance family relationships in college work. You see, when you live with the entire N. American land mass between you and your loved ones, coupled with existing in a time zone three hours behind them— long distance feels like an understatement. I practically live in a different atmosphere than my parents and siblings.
Being so far from home and family, I can feel this hunger to connect with them. Phone calls teeter between frustrating and heartwarming-usually varying by the sentence. Sometimes the longing I feel to be closer with my loved ones prompts me to try to be the person I think they want me to be. I want to play this role of dutiful daughter and star student and moral compass and miss independent. Or I play child throwing a temper tantrum who wants them to reach through the phone and simultaneously hug me and explain-step by step-how to use the VLookUp function on excel.
It’s imperfect. It’s impossible. Our hearts can be in so many places at once, yet we have these human bodies that are fixated in one place at a time. And it’s so beautiful. To think of the little places I’ve buried my heart like a backyard treasure. To think of the people I hope to make proud- because they know me so well that if I’m making them proud, odds are I’m making me proud too.
And then sometimes, you say “I CANT TALK TODAY!!! I’m stressed out!!!” And you sit with excel. And you FIGURE OUT the VLookUp function. And you feel really awesome. And tired. Because life is challenging, especially when you’re biased to action and development. But that means you’re in the right place.
So often we think someone will say the right thing to us in the perfect moment and voilà!!! We feel better and we can do hard things. But it’s really the act of doing hard things, and people who love us making us feel seen and heard as we do the things or after we’ve conquered the challenge that makes us feel fulfilled.
Wholeheartedness. Brené Brown describes this as a sense of worthiness we feel just because. It means no matter what we achieve, we can operate from a sense of self-worth and self-efficacy. It means we believe we are worthy of rest and of our precious lives. I use this term as a metric of evaluating my college life. I’m aiming on living wholeheartedly each day, starting as young as I can, so that this philosophy can really pay dividends long term. Today, I feel like I’ve really hit the mark. Yesterday, I didn’t feel it as much. But every time I wrap up less of my worth into accolades and external validation, and instead invest it into a meaningful relationship with myself and God and the people I love, I inch myself closer to wholehearted living.
The goal is to feel one—whole—not to be perfect.
Happy Thursday, team. You are so loved. ❤️
Xx, Fi
#freetobefi