I Am Standing Again

When I was processing my most recent break-up, i wondered to myself, “will I ever feel like i’M ‘back on my feet again?”

The recent months, weeks, days, and passing moments continuously remind me that, yes, I am standing again. In all my falls and times face down in the arena that is life, I kept practicing rising. Rising strongly, as Brené Brown would put it. I was reading through my old notes on my Apple Notes App, and came across this passage I wrote last summer. It is so honest, probably because I don’t think I ever imagined sharing it. Then, it was me voicing my deepest fears. My mixed emotions of passion, guilt, pride, heartache, and love. Now, though, it is a testament to how far I have come. This post is a segment of Not My Love Stories that powerfully displays that the loves that don’t work out also do work out, because they prove to us that we will remember how to stand on our own two feet again. And, if we can’t remember, we will teach ourselves how to walk again. Because, that is just what we do.

i am preparing myself to fall out of love with you. 

i am so saturated in your love that it 

rushes through me like my own blood; 

it feels both vital and natural.

i cannot remember the sensation of my 

heartbeat before you...

it’s like every winter,

when the damp dark days are so merciless,

when i dream of spring but forget what it feels like. 

i know it’s coming and yet it seems unimaginable. 

i so intently breathed in your love,

knowing that the days filled with it were 

inherently numbered, 

that i let it flush out any memories of how it feels not to be yours. 

now i can’t picture my life without you nor i can i recall it before our love. 

i can’t tell if this is all i know or all i want. 

is this the best it ever gets? 

i am swirling in your love,

wrapping myself in its security,

drowning myself in it’s uncertainties. 

if this ends with the choice to sink or swim,

where do I begin? 

i can rest deep within your love

or i can fight the current until i wash ashore.

maybe on dry land i will remember how to stand on my own two feet.