18 Things I’ve Learned From the First 18 Years of My life
Brought to you by archived journal entries, the people and places who have shaped me, and my determination to live out and tell my own “coming of age” story.
always this “do they like me?'“ and so rarely “Do i like me?”
The transition from seeking extrinsic validation to pursuing intrinsic validation is the journey I am most proud of and committed to continuing for life. When I catch myself overthinking, trying to tally up who does or doesn’t “like” me, I check in: “DO I LIKE ME?” Answer: Yes, I sure f-cking do. I built me. I am my own greatest masterpiece and work in progress. When I remember that, I also remember I will be just fine if others dislike me, so long as I love myself.
The love you give will always find its way back to you.
… but only if you’re open to seeing it. So often, we send out love with a little asterisk of how we want it to come back to us, like a transaction. But, when we see our love coming back to us in the form of the sun shining down on us, it not working out with that cute guy from down the hall, getting stuck in traffic—all the little things we try to classify as “good'“ or “bad”—we see the proof that love is never a waste of time. Thank God I didn’t get everything I thought I wanted when I wanted it.
I’ll Never have it all figured out.
Hear me out. We can only know the future from the lens of our past. I cannot understand the future yet because all I know is what I have already lived. The Fiona I will be 5 years from now will have endured countless experiences that will prepare her for decisions in that present moment. Present-day Fi doesn’t know any of that yet. What I can know, though, is today. This present moment. The more I live in the here-and-now, the more intel I can gather and growth I can experience to support future Fiona. So yea, when I act as if my general biology grade is as dooming as Atlas’s sentence to carry the Earth on his shoulders for life, that’s when I need to remember that how one less than ideal grade will affect me is Future Fiona’s problem. All I can do is take life bit by bit, as it comes. The mantra, “I don’t have to worry about that right now,” is a savior.
You can have everything, But you can’t have everything at once.
Oprah once said, “You can have it all, just not at once.” Disclaimer, I love Oprah, so, like, you heard the woman! Oprah aside, understanding that life is full of trade-offs is oddly comforting to me. I don’t do “casual” interests. I am more familiar with friendly obsessions. Once something piques my attention, I am full-on, Alice in Wonderland-style diving down the freaking rabbit hole. And, because that is not enough, I need to campaign about it to everyone. In my head, the diverging passions that I have compliment each other perfectly. In reality, unfortunately, it is harder to merge my interests, whether that be trying to find a career path that incorporates them all, juggling college classes with extracurriculars, or picking what book to read/what subject I will focus on at a time.
It genuinely freaks me out to think that I might pick the “wrong” major, job, location, etc. That thought process is flawed, though, because it implies that certain decisions will be punished or rewarded, as if there is one “right” way to live. We are not what we have been through— we are what we learn from what we have been through. So, every closed door is simply bringing us closer to the open one awaiting us.
If you are anything like me, you’re an enthusiast. You run before you walk. You barely finish one task before taking aim at the next challenge in sight. Hold onto that zest for life, and trust your intuitive curiosity and excitement… don’t agonize over monetizing it. Your enthusiasm, coupled with a big ol’ dose of discipline, will get you to where you need to be. It always has.
In the rush to get where you want to go, remember that nothing lasts forever. Appreciate what you have when you have it, because someday you won’t have it anymore. Then, you’ll have something else, and it will be beautiful, but it won’t be what you have now.
The grass is greener where you water it.
& sometimes, the grass isn’t even actually greener… it’s fake. Resist the urge to believe that others are always doing better than you. If you feel as though someone is living the life that you want, let that jealousy teach you what it is you want, and then work towards it. The moment you grasp that your happiness is your responsibility and that you have the power to change your own life, you are able to act accordingly. You already have the answers, it is time you listen for them and make the necessary strides towards transforming your dreams and desires into actions and reality.
Everyone has a story.
If you think you have someone all figured out, think again. Every single person alive is fighting battles that you do not know about. Everyone has sh-t that they don’t talk about. We can’t live inside each other’s brains; we don’t know the thoughts someone has about themselves. As Maya Angelou put it, “when people show you who they are, believe them.” Let others’ actions show you who they are, not your own assumptions. But, always, always, always remember that you don’t know someone’s full story, and maybe if you did, you would see their actions in an entirely new light. Small acts of love and humanity make a big difference. Be kind.
“i never let my schooling get in the way of my education.” — MArk Twain
In the sometimes toxic environment of high school and college classrooms, I learned how to separate my love for learning from my GPA from my self-worth. Struggling in a class doesn’t make you stupid. Asking questions and answering incorrectly do not mean you are less than in any way. Acing a course doesn’t make you a better person. If we let it, our educational system can ruin our love for learning. I stand in defiance. I refuse to allow a challenging course deter me from learning; I will not be so consumed with over-performing that I do not learn for the sake of bettering myself. Of nourishing my mind and soul with beautiful, brilliant words. Dare to partake in activities that feel effortless and fun for you, amidst the pressure to only participate in “productive” work. Reading a juicy Young-Adult novel can be a productive use of time. Reading about spirituality or listening to an educational podcast completely unrelated to your field of study can be a productive use of time. You become what you repeatedly surround yourself with; you become what you continually consume. Choose wisely.
Take pride in getting older, but never rush to grow up.
I want to embrace childlike wonder for the rest of my life. I am proud of every day I live, of every solar revolution I have completed. Getting older is inevitable. I don’t plan on growing up, though. Silliness, dress-up, curiosity, awe, playtime, naps… why would a girl want to grow up and say goodbye to those? “Growing up” is so often synonymous with hardening. Growing up sounds like getting jaded, putting up walls, and avoiding mistakes instead of learning from them. I plan on staying soft. Playing pretend. Not taking myself so seriously. Softening > hardening. It’s like this: kids learning to walk fall down all the time. But, they practically bounce back up off the ground and try again. Over and over. I accept falling down a lot as I age, because if I don’t grow up, I am not so far from the ground. I won’t be falling as far or as hard. Plus, if you’re okay with falling down every now and then, it doesn’t feel so scary when you do. You bounce back. If you grow up and harden, a fall might shatter you. Stay soft. Stay flexible.
Your parents are humans, too.
I have severe middle child syndrome. I admit it. I was super hard on my parents because of it, blaming them and critiquing them for anything they did that I deemed unfair or proof that I was being gypped. I still catch myself telling stories that I am overlooked or that they forget about me. (In fairness, mom, there was that time you drove away without me. I chased her down the block, screaming, guys, and she didn’t even notice!) Jokes aside, I was making this stuff up and using confirmation bias to prove myself right. Now, I remember how lucky I am to have parents who love me, who show me what healthy love looks like, who push me to be my best, and who let me go off on my own, while always being there for me when I need them. No matter how many cross country meets they could attend, they always made sure I could go. There they were, making sure I had every opportunity available to me, but I wasted my time being bitter that they weren’t enduring traces of chlorine poisoning at a swim meet or standing at the side of the infamous McDade hill to cheer me on for the most heinous minute of my race. I am not saying that it wasn’t hard seeing other people’s parents at middle school games and being asked where mine were, but, considering that I have two sisters, as well as a brother with severe Autism, it is a miracle that I had the privilege to be involved in all the activities I did.
Childhood can mess us up. We have imperfect humans raising other imperfect humans. No matter your relationship with your parents, if you can, do remember that they are human, too, and likely (hopefully) doing the best that they can.
dance. You don’t have to be a “good Dancer.”
This speaks for itself. Dance your little heart out. Life is short. Dancing is fun.
you are not your body.
Your body is your vessel. You are a soul wrapped in skin. Love your body for housing your being.
YOu are not Your thoughts
You are the awareness behind your thoughts. Not all thoughts you have are true. You can change your thoughts and beliefs. This will change your life.
You are stronger than you can ever know.
I don’t think we ever know how strong we really are until we recover from something that felt like the equivalent of our world caving in. Maybe that is because I can be a wee dramatic, but the times that I, full-on Chicken Little mode, feel like the sky is absolutely falling, always teach me that 1. I am more resilient than I give myself credit for, and 2. Those super uncomfortable moments are entering my life to promote my growth; nothing new comes from our comfort zones. When I am encountering adversity, remembering that I am stronger than I even know fills me with a sense of self-assurance. When I remember that I am resilient, I know that I can handle uncomfortable emotions and that this too shall pass. As Glennon Doyle would say, “we can do hard things.” We can. We will. Even when we think we won’t be able to, we will rise.
Your story is worth sharing.
We all have gone through some sh-t in our lives. It is part of this whole “being human” thing we’re here doing. Your story is always worth sharing. My new favorite quote, “it is not our differences that immobilize us, but silence,” courtesy of Audre Lorde, makes a compelling case for all of us to tell our own stories. Who knows what us sharing about the peaks and valleys of our own lives might do to support someone else? The vulnerability involved in letting other people know you takes immense courage and strength, but it also has a huge pay-off: people actually are able to know you. If we don’t let anyone see beyond the walls we have strategically built up around us to “save” ourselves from pain, then no one gets to see and know who we really are. Sharing our stories, furthermore, is a means of de-stigmatizing struggles that we so often endure in secret, thinking we are experiencing it alone. When we own our lived experiences, we can see that we are not what we have gone through, we are what we have learned from what we have gone through, and take back the role of being the authors of our lives. Let’s tell our stories, instead of being so consumed worrying about how other people are narrating our own precious lives. &, let’s listen to the stories of others. I guarantee that you will be surprised by how many people you had figured out allll wrong, and amazed at how far from alone you are in the traumas you’ve endure or the challenges you face.
Taking good care of yourself is a Revolutionary Act.
As icons Audre Lorde and Gala Darling agree, in a society that profits off of self-doubt, off of keeping so many oppressed and impoverished, taking care of ourselves is an act of political warfare. It is a revolutionary act. It takes guts to ditch the common narratives of the “grind” and “hustle” and to do what will promote our wellbeing in the facets of social health, financial health, mental health, physical health, and spiritual health. Taking the time to take care of ourselves isn’t selfish or unproductive. It is the very activity that will make us more productive and efficient. Without adequate sleep, nourishing food, and boatloads of water, and some mindful movement, we won’t be at our best physically and cognitively. Sometimes we lose balance for love, too, though. So, maybe we push off work to get some extra family time, or we accept that some days we will need more rest than others, or we indulge on some less nutritious items that might not be the “best” for our physical health, but it is worth the late night pizza and laughter with a good friend, and that is self care, too. Instead of buying into diet culture or hustle culture, we have the choice to do what works for us, and what feeds our bodies and our souls. When we know how to take the best care of ourselves, we also learn what we will invest in to help us continue doing so, such as how we will use our dollar to support certain companies over others, and how we will dismantle this burnout culture we live in.
Be your own cheerleader.
It comes back to extrinsic loci of control vs. intrinsic loci of control. Do you want to look outside of you for validation and support? Can you take responsibility for your own happiness and sense of worth? It is inevitable that we will give others some power or control over our happiness; we let people sacredly witness us and sometimes people will reject us or break our hearts. Being your own biggest fan means that, whether no one shows up to watch your big debut, or the audience gives you a standing ovation, you love you. Being my own cheerleader allows me to be weird and do what feels right to me from moment to moment. It means pivoting when I am called to do so and evolving without needing anyone else’s permission. I love coming home to myself and being proud of the person I am. I don’t always succeed at being my own biggest fan, but I know that no one can make me feel worthy of love better than I can. & that is reason enough to keep cheering, reminding myself that I believe in me.
You’LL know when you know.
Have some freaking faith. As soon as I accepted that worrying doesn’t make time move any faster, I surrendered control over situations which were never in my control in the first place. We will have all the answers when we are dead. When it is put that way, I am just peachy not knowing (the answers) yet.
“people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” — Maya Angelou
“In a world where you can be anything, be kind.” This lesson, for so many reasons, continues to come to me, for me to learn, over and over. I daresay it might be the most important lesson of all.
With love, Fi