Here’s How You’re Contributing to Misogyny (Without Even Knowing It…)
HOT TAKE: The sex positivity movement fails to acknowledge just how ingrained misogyny and sexism are in each of us.
Let’s start with the basics. Below are some definitions that will guide this blog post, and I will cite the sources at the endnotes. I prefer the sociological definitions of these terms as I feel like they do the most justice in addressing the societal influences intertwined within the terms.
Misogyny: according to the Oxford dictionary, the “dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women.”
Sexism: Discrimination or prejudice against an individual or group based on the idea that one sex or gender is better than the others.
Gender: The attitudes, behaviors, norms, and roles that a society or culture associates with an individual’s sex, thus the social differences between female and male; the meanings attached to being feminine or masculine.
Sex Assigned At Birth (SAAB): The label, typically male or female, given to an infant based on medical standards for sex characteristics.
Sexuality: 1.) A broad term, encompassing an individual’s sexual interests and behaviors, involving biological, cultural, psychological, social, and spiritual aspects; 2.) The experience and expression of people as sexual beings.
Patriarchy: 1. (noun) A society, system, or group in which men dominate women and have the power and authority; 2. (noun) A group or family where the father or oldest male is the head of the family, with descent typically traced through the male.
Stigma: 1. (noun) The social phenomenon or process whereby individuals that are taken to be different in some way are rejected by the greater society in with they live based on that difference; 2. (noun) Labels that associate people with unfavorable or disapproved behavior and characteristics.
Bias: A tendency (either known or unknown) to prefer one thing over another that prevents objectivity, that influences understanding or outcomes in some way.
Norm: The rules or expectations that determine and regulate appropriate behavior within a culture, group, or society.
Let us also address the obvious, my own various identities provide me a certain privilege in society. I tell my story, too, however, because as Audre Lorde writes, “it is not difference that immobilizes us, but silence.” Some of you reading this might identify similarly or the same as me, and others undeniably will not. I plan to replace my silence on this subject with speech and with action, as Lorde calls us to do; sometimes that speech will be me sharing my own stories, and in other moments it will be me amplifying the stories of others, the stories that might be more easily hushed in order to preserve the heteronormative, binary society in which we live.
White women live in a precarious position. We face oppression for our sex and privilege for our race. Cue, the “schism,” as Helen Lewis writes in her article “The Mythology of Karen” for The Atlantic, between white women advocating for equality of the sexes and black Americans fighting for the dismantlement of systemic racism dates back to the time of the women’s suffrage movement that coincided, in part, with the push for the ratification of the 15th Amendment in 1870. To the primarily white faces of the women’s suffrage movement, famous suffragettes such as Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton, the mere idea that African American men would be granted the right to vote before white women was an outrage. It is at this point that white feminism was born, and the white supremecist roots of feminism continue to linger, alienating women’s rights from the Black Lives Matter and Latinx movements in more recent history. This white-washed, watered-down feminism also can often exclude our trans, gay, non-binary, bisexual, and disabled brothers/sisters/loved-ones when discussing topics of sex positivity, inclusion, and equality.
EXAMPLE: STONEWALL PROTESTS! Trans black women were at the heart of the start and continuation of the protest. Today, Pride month celebrations often do not include us earning this rich history about the revolutionaries who walked before us. This lack of conversation fights to keep the heteronormative, binary status quo intact, even as progress—such as wins in the (Supreme) courtroom—is being made.
“Stonewall was, at its core, about people reclaiming their narratives from a society that told them they were sick or pitiful or didn’t even exist.
Getting to tell your own story is a gift, but it means that you have to contend with other people’s stories, and I guess that can mean arguing, maybe for 50 years straight. And that’s O.K.”
—Shane O’Neill, “Who Threw the First Brick at Stonewall? Let’s Argue About It”
“Transgender women of color were leaders in L.G.B.T.Q. activism before, during and after the uprising at the Stonewall Inn 51 years ago on Sunday, but they were never put at the center of the movement they helped start: one whose very shorthand, “the gay rights movement,” erases them.
Though active in the Black Lives Matter movement from the beginning, they have not been prioritized there either. At no point have black trans people shared fully in the gains of racial justice or L.G.B.T.Q. activism, despite suffering disproportionately from the racism, homophobia and transphobia these movements exist to combat.”
— Isabella Grullón Paz and Maggie Astor, “Black Trans Women Seek More Space in the Movement They Helped Start”
Sexism and racism are intersectional issues. This means to say that there is not one thing or quality that makes a person sexist or racist or characterizes what it means to fall in either category. This also means that remedying these plagues to human existence will require a multi-faceted approach, one that examines just how interwoven sexism, racism, homophobia, xenophobia, classism, misogyny, and capitalism are, to name a few.
Moreover, in addressing any of these topics, it is hard to ignore the subject of sex. So, let’s talk about sex baby!
Rather than exploring sex assigned at birth (SAAB), as defined above, I am speaking of sexual intercourse. Now, discussing this subject requires an open mind, because for much of you reading this, I would bet any money that association most of you experienced when reading the phrase “sexual intercourse” was one of a male and a female (as SAAB) having penetrative intercourse. Am I right?
Due to social norms, much of our default beliefs and assumptions about sex stem from a viewpoint in which only heterosexuality is represented. This is particularly problematic when it comes to sexual education. I volunteer with Peer Health Exchange at USC and we help fill the gaps of sexual and health education for 9th grade students during weekly sessions. My major at SC is Health Promotion and Disease Prevention, and it was this fall that I really grasped how sexual health is so crucial and yet so often overlooked in our education.
Sexual health, as defined by the World Health Organization (WHO), is:
“…a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled.” (WHO, 2006a)
Accessing sexual health, therefore, requires an education, but a different type of education. Sexual education that truly caters to the world’s deeply diverse population must utilize a system of learning and unlearning the myths we have been told about sex, in order to determine what sexual health means to each of us, respectively. In recent strides towards bettering the sexual health of women, LGBTQ+ folk, and BIPOC folk, as well as female-identifying folk in bigger bodies, the sex positivity movement has been born. Feminist campus outlines sex positivity to encompass the following,
“Sex positivity is grounded in comprehensive sex education, exploring and deconstructing gender norms, and promoting body positivity and self love. It fosters safe spaces in which different identities and sexual expressions are valued and bodily autonomy is paramount.”
During adolescence, if we do not attend schools that provide sexual education, we are left to our own devices to learn what it means to be sexually healthy. The “sexual education” we receive from societal influences, such as television series, movies, social media outlets, high school or college rumor mills— the list goes on—is another story, too. As members of a patriarchal society, women often learn about sex through the eyes of men, where we learn to define our own pleasure based off of being “what a man wants.” It’s no surprise, then, that there is a pleasure gap when it comes to sex. [Interesting, there is far less of a pleasure gap amongst women lesbian couples than women partaking in heterosexual relationships.]
What I find to be most notable when discussing the subject of “sexual education” are the phrases: “all men want is sex” or “he’s just using you [for sex]” or “if you really want to date him, you’ll wait [to sleep with him].”
Even in shows hailed by women, such as one of my own favorites, Sex and the City, (straight) women receive the message that, one way or another, they are reduced to a body and/or a sexual object, and that is the most troubling signal of all. Sex and the City is generally considered a sex positive show, which hammers home the point that, even when we dress up some sexual education as pro-women or sex positive, many people are still left out of the conversation, and misogyny/sexism are still present. Sure, there is a pressure for every adolescent to look and feel “sexy,” but the manner in which women are berated with constant do’s and don’t’s about sex prevents them from finding pleasure in it, let alone attaining the sexual health that involves consensual, safe, enthusiastic sex. To boot, this messaging with which girls and young women are inundated can both exclude queer women, trans women, and non-binary folk and affect white, cis, heterosexual women far differently than cis, heterosexual women of color, not to mention queer and trans women of color as well as gender non-binary people of color. Now, tie in the issue of safety, as women face staggeringly higher rates of sexual violence than men, and you can start to get the picture of how it feels like we just can’t win when it comes to sex.
Protecting women is different than shaming women. The real protection is prevention. How can we start these conversations earlier?
It starts with what we are consuming.
“Porn typically only depicts male orgasm, and much of it shows some type of violence against female partners. This absolutely can skew how some men view their women partners during the act of sexual intercourse — as a giver of pleasure, not a receiver. And women who view straight porn are also seeing the same thing.” “We need to talk about the orgasm gap — and how to fix it”, Mary Halton
Can we incorporate curiosity with our consumption? Let’s normalize noticing (toxic) social norms in the shows, movies, porn, and interactions we watch.
I believe that my generation is transitioning to be much more mindful than past generations. This mindfulness is key to ushering in social norms that actually promote a higher quality of life. Mindfulness in action is noticing when shows represent the LGBTQ+ community and communities of color. It is asking questions, but it is also pursuing information for yourself to learn about people who are different from you. It is not a person of a historically marginalized community’s responsibility to teach you. If you are lucky enough to have friends that you have a lot to learn from, sure, ask questions, but recognize the privilege in being able to ask questions vs. having to live out the answers.
ONce again, “it is not difference that immobilizes us, but silence.”
Don’t shy away from having conversations. The only way we can learn about the holes in the movement for sex positivity is through discussing about where we feel like it comes up short. Pursue conversations with friends about safe sex, about how to go about advocating for yourselves, about the struggles of navigating sexual health. You do not have to endure the trials nor tribulations alone. It feels really taboo to start the conversation, but having friends in which you can genuinely dissect a topic as multi-faceted as sex serves as that “yeah, O.K., I’m not crazy” reminder that we all need from time to time. It is the silence on the subject of sex that makes it so daunting, not our different experiences. By telling our stories, we can counteract the stigma and silence.
Learning how to embrace inclusive sex positivity as an act of feminism, on our college campuses especially, can be the butterfly effect for helping to mitigate misogyny. If we can all become better educated on barriers we face in attaining optimal sexual health, as well as the obstacles we don’t face that others do, we can be more confident and aware of what it is we will and will not do in the bedroom, as well as more mindful in our conversations about sex. Parsing apart commonly spoken phrases such as the aforementioned, “all men want is sex,” can help us see that the phrase is harmful to men and women alike: it hyper-sexualizes and objectifies women and it contributes to toxic masculinity. I have found that, personally, that phrase has unconsciously affirmed the belief that my worth in society is directly correlated to my external appearance, a belief that many women battle. Recognizing when our own comments are rooted in internalized misogynistic social norms can prevent us from continuing to partake in that kind of culture, and help us shift towards a more equal, sex positive society.
I’ll end with a quote from Roxane Gay’s TedTalk “Confessions of a Bad Feminist”:
“I am a bad feminist, I am a good woman, I am trying to become better in how I think, and what I say, and what I do, without abandoning everything that makes me human. I hope that we can all do the same. I hope that we can all be a little bit brave, when we most need such bravery.“
Some sources I have found useful for diversifying my view of feminism, sexism, misogyny and/or sex positivity are:
“What Being a Sex-Positive Feminist Means to Me”
Confessions of a Bad Feminist | Roxane Gay | TedWomen 2015
“Sex educator Rukiat is challenging the sex stereotypes that harm Black women”
“Here's The Difference Between The Divine Feminine And The Divine Masculine”
“The Power of Inclusive Sex Education”
Let's talk about sex: The Reality of the Sexual-Pleasure Disparity | Grace Wetzel | TEDxStLawrenceU
& all the sources linked throughout this post!